Cochrane

I wish I had said the words.

My hands slipped from the wheel, for just a second.  Hot tires losing grip on the cold, wet concrete for just a second, letting out a shriek before control was regained.

Rain blurred the windshield, the wipers barely able to keep pace.  Tears streamed down my cheeks, making matters worse.

Control regained, the yellow lines streaked by in a blur.

My hands gripped the wheel, longing for the feeling of losing control. 

In the rearview mirror, amidst the red glow, I almost saw her face, for just a second – haunting and beautiful, and then gone.

Mile marker 27 passed by, caught in the glow of my headlights, and then disappearing forever.

The CD skipped.  I wished I was in better shape.  I wished I was better looking.  I wished I was anyone other than me.

I wished I had said the words.

I let go of the wheel, relishing the feeling of letting go, of relinquishing control.  The steady thud of the warning strip matched my heart racing.

She said the words once, and I didn’t say them back – not because I didn’t feel it, but simply because i was afraid – afraid no one could ever feel for me the way I felt for her.

I pulled the car back into my lane, window down, feeling the rush of air surge past me, as the moment passed.

Regret, heavy and haunting, filled the car.

A curve loomed ahead.

I wished I had said the words.

I could smell the gardenias.

She was with someone else, then.  Someone who didn’t… feel the same for her as I did.

I wished I had said the words.

The curved edged closer, just ahead.

I wished I had said the words.

Beyond the curve, in the black, was nothingness. 

I let go of the wheel and closed my eyes. 

I wished I had said the words, but didn’t.  I only hoped she didn’t know – I wouldn’t want her to know, to miss the secret everyone knew.

The car slowly drifted to the right – an offspring of not getting standard maintenance .

The safety bumps slowly matched up with the music on my stereo. 

The curve ahead was no longer ahead, the safety bumps behind.  Dust flew behind, a cape of what was, a harbinger of what would not be.

I wished I had said the words.

Blackness enveloped the night, a peaceful serenity enveloped every fiber of my body.

The curve disappeared.